DOOMATES š§Æ | May Edition š³ļø
Hey there, Doomate!
Hey there, Doomate!
Youāre going to read this May newsletter and pretend we didnāt ghost you in April. Good. We love that about you.
Weāre back, baby ā with Cannes-level climate denial, Bezos Barbieās floating bunker, and the hauntingly beautiful vision of TimothĆ©e Chalamet sweating through a heatwave blockbuster š„µ. Youāre welcome.
šŖ Astro-Doom
Zuck Rising
Ah, May. A time for blooms, spring flings, and... surveillance capitalism. Thatās right āMay 14 gifted the world Mark Zuckerberg, our Taurus technocrat with the emotional depth of a CAPTCHA test.
Tauruses are supposed to be grounded, loyal, lovers of comfort and beauty. But Zuck? He took all that earthy energy and used it to build the metaverse ā a digital fever dream where human connection goes to die šŖ¦.
His version of ācommunityā has supercharged political polarisation, shadowbanned genocides, and fried our collective dopamine circuits.
So this Taurus season, reject the Zuck within. Prioritise actual connection over clicks. Touch grass. Hug people š«. And maybe, just maybe, resist the urge to upload your soul to a headset.
š¬ Climate Cannes
The red carpet may be sizzling, but Cannes 2025 still canāt pass the Climate Reality Check ā a basic test created by Good Energy Story for whether a film even acknowledges weāre living on a boiling planet. To pass, a story must:
Climate change exists.
Someone, anyone, in the film notices.
Simple, right? Yet most films here treat climate like an awkward ex: never mentioned, but clearly ruining the vibe š„±. Instead, we get end-of-the-world aesthetics with zero causes, zero consequences, and definitely zero fossil fuels.
Cannes loves a good disaster movie ā just not the one weāre actually living in.
š So hereās what we want more of:
Pedro Pascal sobbing over sea level rise.
Zendaya fighting for land rights in a solar-powered dystopia.
A Marvel villain whose actual evil plan is drilling in the Arctic.
Gen Z protagonists shutting down a pipeline between hook-ups.
A rom-com where they fall in love at a protest and compost together forever.
Someone ā anyone ā saying the words āfossil fuel industryā out loud.
And honestly? TimothƩe Chalamet doing anything. Shirtless in a heatwave? Sold.
š¢ Bezos Barbie gets a climate trophy
On May 19th, in the glamorous haze of Cannes, Lauren SĆ”nchez ā TV host, helicopter pilot, and future Mrs. Bezos ā received an award for her āadvocacy for climate justice.ā Already, āclimateā feels like a stretch in the title of her award ā but justice? Justice?? š«
And because the universe has a dark sense of humour, she arrived aboard Koru, a 417-foot megayacht that holds enough diesel to fill 19,000 car tanks. Sure, itās obscene; but at least this time she stayed within the Earthās atmosphere š. Baby steps.
Weāre not saying the yacht shouldāve sunk on the way in⦠but at the very least, it couldāve come with a carbon warning label, a Greenpeace protest, or a live reading of the IPCC report over the loudspeaker.
š² Game On
In this maze, your mission is to guide Lauren SĆ”nchezās megayacht... all the way to her climate justice award. Bon voyage!
𫵠Call to Action
Because wrecking the planet on land wasnāt enough, the Trump administration signed a sweeping executive order to fast-track deep-sea mining ā aka scraping the ocean floor for profit. But thereās still time to stop this before it turns the deep sea into a corporate scrapyard. A growing movement is pushing back š, and you can call on your ministers to support a global moratorium right now.
Curious how bad it really is? (Itās worse.) Start here.





this is the climate comedy we need
more solarpunk commune romcoms š£ļøš£ļø