DOOMATES 🧯 | May Edition 🛳️

Hey there, Doomate!

Hey there, Doomate!

You’re going to read this May newsletter and pretend we didn’t ghost you in April. Good. We love that about you.

We’re back, baby — with Cannes-level climate denial, Bezos Barbie’s floating bunker, and the hauntingly beautiful vision of Timothée Chalamet sweating through a heatwave blockbuster 🥵. You’re welcome.

🪐 Astro-Doom

Zuck Rising

Ah, May. A time for blooms, spring flings, and... surveillance capitalism. That’s right —May 14 gifted the world Mark Zuckerberg, our Taurus technocrat with the emotional depth of a CAPTCHA test.

Tauruses are supposed to be grounded, loyal, lovers of comfort and beauty. But Zuck? He took all that earthy energy and used it to build the metaverse — a digital fever dream where human connection goes to die 🪦.

His version of “community” has supercharged political polarisation, shadowbanned genocides, and fried our collective dopamine circuits.

So this Taurus season, reject the Zuck within. Prioritise actual connection over clicks. Touch grass. Hug people 🫂. And maybe, just maybe, resist the urge to upload your soul to a headset.

🎬 Climate Cannes

The red carpet may be sizzling, but Cannes 2025 still can’t pass the Climate Reality Check — a basic test created by Good Energy Story for whether a film even acknowledges we’re living on a boiling planet. To pass, a story must:

1. Climate change exists.

2. Someone, anyone, in the film notices.

Simple, right? Yet most films here treat climate like an awkward ex: never mentioned, but clearly ruining the vibe 🥱. Instead, we get end-of-the-world aesthetics with zero causes, zero consequences, and definitely zero fossil fuels.

Cannes loves a good disaster movie — just not the one we’re actually living in.

👀 So here’s what we want more of:

• Pedro Pascal sobbing over sea level rise.

• Zendaya fighting for land rights in a solar-powered dystopia.

• A Marvel villain whose actual evil plan is drilling in the Arctic.

• Gen Z protagonists shutting down a pipeline between hook-ups.

• A rom-com where they fall in love at a protest and compost together forever.

• Someone — anyone — saying the words “fossil fuel industry” out loud.

• And honestly? Timothée Chalamet doing anything. Shirtless in a heatwave? Sold.

🚢 Bezos Barbie gets a climate trophy

On May 19th, in the glamorous haze of Cannes, Lauren Sánchez — TV host, helicopter pilot, and future Mrs. Bezos — received an award for her “advocacy for climate justice.” Already, “climate” feels like a stretch in the title of her award — but justice? Justice?? 🫠

And because the universe has a dark sense of humour, she arrived aboard Koru, a 417-foot megayacht that holds enough diesel to fill 19,000 car tanks. Sure, it’s obscene; but at least this time she stayed within the Earth’s atmosphere 🚀. Baby steps.

We’re not saying the yacht should’ve sunk on the way in… but at the very least, it could’ve come with a carbon warning label, a Greenpeace protest, or a live reading of the IPCC report over the loudspeaker.

🎲 Game On

In this maze, your mission is to guide Lauren Sánchez’s megayacht... all the way to her climate justice award. Bon voyage!

🫵 Call to Action

Because wrecking the planet on land wasn’t enough, the Trump administration signed a sweeping executive order to fast-track deep-sea mining — aka scraping the ocean floor for profit. But there’s still time to stop this before it turns the deep sea into a corporate scrapyard. A growing movement is pushing back 🌊, and you can call on your ministers to support a global moratorium right now.

Curious how bad it really is? (It’s worse.) Start here.

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